...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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