dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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