hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
