my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
