I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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