I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
