i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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