my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
