he thought i was a dude.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
