i think my tv is drunk
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
