What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Randomize
