dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
