I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
