oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
