I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
