I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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