grandma shit on top of the toilet
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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