Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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