You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
