my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
