I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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