I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
