Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
