Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We just shotgunned beers for America
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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