I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
