There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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