You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
