mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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