I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
