I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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