I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the condom got lost in my hair
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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