btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
