flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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