I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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