Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
they're like a gay fantastic four
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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