its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
