Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
