The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
