I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
