i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
