I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
