i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
