i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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