if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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