Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
false alarm, still single
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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