i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
