There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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