Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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