Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
