oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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