So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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