I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Help. Why am I so naked?
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