Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
