Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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