I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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