I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
