Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
